One of the toughest times I've had to handle?

Reconciling the “tug-of-war” I felt when deciding whether to stick around in the 9 to 5 or quit my job.

It was a tortuous, internal battle.

Almost like the Incredible Hulk was yanking on one end of the rope, The Rock was tugging on the other, and I was stuck in the middle in an extreme state of tension, contorted in knots and fraying at the edges.

To say this battle wasn’t fun would be an understatement.

It was excruciating.

In the end, I decided I’d done enough daydreaming & fantasising, and it was time to follow my heart and roll the dice.

And while this episode was a couple of years ago, it’s still something I think about.  

I read about it now and again too. 

For instance, I recently picked up a copy of Martha Beck’s sparkly spellbinder “Finding Your North Star”.

North Star?

It’s the term Beck uses for an ultimate principle, purpose or goal which guides our directions, decisions and actions in life.

And while the phrase “North Star” might conjure up images of a warm & welcoming beacon, it’s not all candles & fairy lights.

Especially if you think you’re heading off course and not following your North Star.

Beck describes it like this:

That feeling of choked hostility, or numb depression, or nauseated helplessness is a sure sign you’re steering away from your North Star, toward a life you were not meant to live. 

When you feel it, you must change course.  You must say to the people around you what your essential self is saying inside: “Nope.  Not going there.  Not doing that.  Sorry, but the answer is no”

She goes on to say:

Most of my clients reject this theory at first. 

“You can’t just obey your essential self” they say.  “You can’t just say ‘no’ every time something unpleasant comes along”. 

This is, of course, the battle cry of the social self.  It has learnt to say “yes” in aversive situations because it believes there is no way out.

This passage has helped me join a few dots. 

See, I always saw this tug-of-war as a dilemma to be solved.

But that’s not what Beck’s saying.

She’s saying that this tug-of-war itself is the sign we’re heading off course.  That this feeling is our bodies’ course-correction mechanism at play, telling us we’re moving in the wrong direction and thus solving our own dilemma for us.

So what if this is true?

If we trust this mechanism has our back (as Beck suggests it does), there’s no dilemma to be faced or decision to be made.

Instead, all we need to do is tune in and listen to what that feeling has to say.

That’s all for today.

 - Tom

p.s. For anyone curious:

There’s a short quiz in the book which lets you see how connected your current self is with what Beck calls your essential self (i.e. who you truly are, untouched by external influences).

The quiz has 10 questions.  For each question you simply answer “believe” or “don’t believe”.

If you want a temperature check on how on course you are right now - and how aligned your current and essential selves are - I’ll email you the quiz.

But a word to the wise:

This quiz might be somewhat confronting.  Especially if the main idea in this email has hit home with you.

Beck talks about her clients getting upset when they finish the quiz and understand the implications of the results.

So this is my public service announcement.  If you’d rather not risk it, I suggest you carry on with your day.

But if you do want the quiz, here’s what to do:

Hit reply and tell me one thing which you suspect might be part of your North Star (whether you’re living this thing today or not).  It could be a hobby, a way of living, a value, a profession, a passion, a mindset or something else entirely.

Whatever it is, hit reply and let me know.

In return, I’ll email you back with the quiz.