In September 2008, I joined the merry world of banking as a fresh and hungry graduate.

During my first few days, I was handed all sorts of HR Manuals, Onboarding Decks and Procedures Docs. 

These covered everything from IT policies and conduct regulations to how to use the phones and where to find the nearest sandwich shop.

After quitting my job 13 years later, studying for 7 months with American supercoach Michael Neill and then coming back to my old job, I'm more convinced than ever that the advice handed out to new starters is as useful as a chocolate teapot.

But there ARE a bunch of facts (yes, facts) which should be printed on every company wall, coffee cup and mouse mat up & down the country.

Especially if a company wants happy and productive employees.

Maybe that’s not what they want. Maybe they just want their pound of flesh. 

But that’s why I see it as my duty to lift the lid on these facts (despite working a 9 to 5 and thus sticking my neck out).

It’s also why I’ll be arming Baby Grundy with these facts if she plumps for a desk job when she joins the great employed. God only knows what the world of work will look like in 20 years, but that’s beside the point. These corporate facts are as timeless as Kylie Minogue and should be required reading for any intern, graduate, analyst, manager, director, MD or executive working in a corporate job.

Even more so for my own flesh and blood.

Without further ado, let's dive into the real corporate onboarding manual:

*** Comparing yourself to your colleagues is the quickest way to lose your footing. Just because Patsy from Compliance got a patsy on the backsy for her razzle-dazzle Powerpoint doesn’t mean you need to chase the same praise or path. You’re not employed to be Patsy. You’re employed to be you

*** Being happy at work doesn’t mean you lose your edge or common sense. If anything, it means MORE creativity, MORE productivity, MORE clarity and BETTER performance

*** Work will always be mayhem. That’s the nature of the corporate beast. Much better to come to terms with it and embrace the bedlam than rage against it like it’s a personal attack

*** Your best ideas, decisions and solutions come when you STOP trying to figure them out. Not when you strain every sinew trying to crunch every possibility in your already weary brain

*** A frenzied diary doesn’t mean you need to feel frenzied. A pressurised deadline doesn’t mean you need to feel pressured. An overwhelming inbox doesn’t mean you need to feel overwhelmed. If you want to enjoy work more, learn how to separate the raisins from the rice pudding

*** Your worth has diddly squat to do with your job title, salary, position, output, feedback, quality of your work or how many deals you completed in the last day, week, month or year

*** Your most valuable skill isn't technical. It’s also got nothing to do with your knowledge or expertise. Sure, you’ll need that stuff. But what makes the biggest difference to performing in your job is learning to navigate your own mind

*** Shit happens, even to the corporate dynamos. So don’t be too hard on yourself. What counts is how you dust yourself off, pick yourself back up and carry on

*** Clarity trumps productivity every day of the week (and twice on Sunday if you’re working weekends). You can be as productive and diligent as you like, but it counts for nothing if you’re focussed on the wrong things (the old "build a beautiful sandcastle 5 feet from the incoming tide" syndrome). Work smarter, not harder

*** Saying “No!” to work is often sensible and even necessary. Committing to stuff you won’t be able to deliver (or delivering it, then collapsing under your desk) isn’t good for you or your employer

*** Don’t forget that your life is taking place as and when you work. If you’re living for the weekend, your next holiday to Morzine or you’re waiting to turn 65 so you can retire to Bognor Regis, you’re sleep-walking through a huge chunk of your life. The good news is that there’s joy to be found in every moment (even when you’re trapped in a three hour meeting with Legal), as long as you know where to look

Part of the reason I work 1 on 1 with bankers, lawyers and other professionals is because I know just how warped the usual corporate advice is.

It’s almost like the game is set up to make it as hard as possible for employees.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

That's why colleagues taking my Mindset & Clarity workshops over the last 12 months would’ve found many of the ideas above sprinkled into the sessions. 

These facts really are the truth behind the targets.

If you’re doing all the right things at work but feeling all the wrong ways, hit reply. And let’s chat about how I can help.