I was reading an interesting story recently about the Roman slave-turned-philosopher Epictetus.

The Stoics certainly seem to be flavour of the month right now and Epictetus embodies the Stoic swagger in spades. Dare I say he puts the “epic” in “Epictetus”. 

But this story takes places before Epictetus became the Stoic poster boy he is today.

The story is all about Epictetus’s master. This was a chap called Epaphroditus who was known for his cruel ways.

So cruel, in fact, that one day Epaphroditus grabbed hold of Epictetus’s leg and, in a fit of rage, started to twist it.

He kept twisting so viciously that Epictetus was forced to warn his master ”if you keep that up, old chap, you’re going to break my leg”.

But Epaphroditus didn’t stop. 

Lo and behold, a few minutes later, Epaphroditus DID break Epictetus’s leg.

Did Epictetus respond with a scream of agony, a wail of despair or a growl of anger?

Not quite.

Epictetus stayed calm and simply said “there, did I not tell you it would break?”.

Hold whatever thoughts you have for a moment while I tell a second short story on a similar theme.

During my two year sabbatical in 2022/23, I read a book called “The Ultimate Coach”. It’s a biography about a man widely regarded as one of the planet’s top coaches, Steve Hardison.

The coaching industry talks about Steve in almost mystical terms. 

To give you some idea, a 2 hour session with Steve costs $10k, a 10 hour “chocolate chip cookie agreement” with Steve is $45k and a 50 hour coaching agreement costs $200k.

As Steve puts it on his website, his coaching is not for the faint of heart.

One part of the book which left its mark on me came from earlier in Steve’s life when he went door knocking in his neighbourhood.

Let’s just say that Steve had a rather enthusiastic manner about him.

In fact, Steve was so enthusiastic that when he refused to leave one particular doorstep, the chap he was speaking to got so riled up that he landed a right hook directly on poor old Steve’s schnoz.

As blood started to pour from his nose, Steve looked up and without missing a beat, he asked the man:

“Could you grab me a towel please to stop the bleeding?”

This short story made a big impression on me when I read it.

It’s a true, real-life example of something I’ve written about before and will no doubt write about again:

Separating the raisins from the rice pudding.

Even in hostile situations (like getting punched or having a leg twisted to breaking point), it’s possible to choose how we react. It’s possible to separate the action from the reaction.

But what takes this Ultimate Coach story to the next level is how Steve separated another set of raisins from the rice pudding.

Did you clock it?

It was simply this:

Steve didn’t assume that getting punched in the face meant the punch-thrower was incapable of basic human kindness. 

That’s not to say Steve excused the man, justified the punch or let the man off the hook (so to speak).

But Steve still saw the best in the man. He assumed the guy would get him a towel.

I daresay we could do with some more of this willingness to see the good in others.

It certainly seems like we live in a world where pain, suffering and conflict are inevitable.

But one thing is not inevitable:

How we choose to respond to these.

And that’s the key point.

We can always choose how we respond.

I don’t think I have much more to say about this.

Except, perhaps, that the more kindness, courage and love we can bring into our responses, the more that will ripple outwards. 

And the more it ripples outwards, the stronger that tide will grow.

I’ll leave it there for today. 

To fulfilment,

Tom