Recently, a bloke called Gurwinder posted this on Twitter:

“The Instagram generation experiences the present moment as an anticipated memory”

I think Gurwinder’s put his finger on something very true and very modern here.

For example:

I remember seeing the band Muse at the O2 a couple of years ago with Lauren. The show was so spectacular, I had goosebumps towards the end. But what surprised me (being the Fort Grundy monk that I am) was that as I scanned the crowd for the 90+ minutes of the show, it was hard to find a face that wasn’t staring at a screen.

Oh yes - mine included. 

I was whipping out my trusty iPhone every few minutes to take a photo or video. And as I filmed frontman Matt Bellamy bashing out Butterflies and Hurricanes on a very grand piano, I knew deep down that I wasn’t really experiencing the music then and there. 

I was experiencing the photos and videos I was taking instead.

I’m sure everyone else staring at their phone was in a similar boat. In fact, I’d wager my left AirPod that most of these people were thinking about the video they were shooting, the Instagram post they’d be making and the caption they’d be writing.

i.e. they were experiencing the present moment as an anticipated memory too.

Well, guess what? 

This same phenomenon rears its head in relationships.

In a recent chat I had with ex-surgeon and transformative coach Dr Giles P Croft, Giles called this the “Frontpack Trap”.

It’s the idea that, just as we tend to bring a “backpack” full of memories, judgments, stories and thoughts with us when we chinwag with other people, we bring a “frontpack” with us too. And we fill this “frontpack” with hopes, predictions, expectations, assumptions, imagined futures and drafts of the stories we’ll tell other people about the very conversation we’re having then and there.

It’s just like holding up a mental phone between you and the person in front of you and thinking about what they might say next, how you’ll respond and what you’ll tell your pal to prove you “won” the conversation or make yourself sound a bit more composed than you actually were.

The problem with this (so I’ve noticed - it’s something I do a lot) is that I’m not really connecting with the person in front of me. 

I can usually see that person feel the same way too.

The good news is that you can dodge this “Frontpack Trap” if you want to.

If you’d like to know what Dr Giles recommends to just BE with someone without carrying a load of mental baggage into a conversation, look no further than the 36 minute mark in a special bonus which Giles and I recorded.

We’ve called this bonus Mission: Unflappable

When this promo is over, I’ll be selling the bonus as a standalone product for £49.

But if you pick up a copy of Giles’s Relationship Masterclass by 8pm UK time on 6th February, you’ll get this bonus for FREE as part of a special bundle which Giles is offering only for readers of this newsletter. 

The deadline is 24 hours from now.

If that interests you, you can check out all the details here

To fulfilment,

Tom 

p.s. Here’s some of what you’ll find inside the Mission: Unflappable bonus recording:

*** A graceful, honest sentence you can use with your partner that’s like a "get out of jail free card" to stop arguments mid-flight. Giles uses this regularly and it works because of a specific principle about state of mind [20:45]

*** The specific tactic a banker-friend of Giles observed HIS colleague using in a meeting that made even the loudest, most aggressive bankers shut up and listen to him. This tactic is perfect when you want to be heard but all your colleagues are prattling on, talking over each other and fighting for airtime like seagulls over a sandwich [24.15]

*** The unconscious habit we all have that turns a perfectly good day into a bad one and a quick & easy way to stop this habit in its tracks [9:01]

*** The two hidden frameworks secretly running your career. Once you understand these, you almost won’t be able to help yourself become less fazed by workplace chaos, even if all your colleagues are flapping around like headless chickens [2.55]

*** A simple, almost childlike way to instantly melt tension with people who drain you [27:00]

*** The bizarre reason Giles has “multiple wives” and the implications this has for your relationship with your boss (yes, really!) [20:32]

*** The invisible ingredient that determines the quality of every relationship you have, yet few people realise even exists. Doesn’t matter if you’re hobnobbing with a colleague at the watercooler, bickering with your partner on the sofa, shooting the shit with your mate in the pub or whispering sweet nothings to a hot date. Once you see how this ingredient is pulling the strings, you’ll see it everywhere and your relationships will find their natural groove without you even trying. That might sound like a bold claim, but I stand by it [14.10]

*** What to do if your boss is genuinely a horrible person [10:02]

*** The insight Giles had after leaving the NHS that made him wonder if leaving was a terrible mistake (well worth a listen if you’re thinking about changing your career or quitting your job) [35.50]

*** How to disagree with your boss’s boss without burning bridges and still come away looking cool, calm and collected [23:04]

*** The obscure Three Principles book which Giles calls his “textbook for life” and the cheeky way you can get your hands on a copy despite the book being long out of print (I’d never heard of this book, even though I could turn Fort Grundy into a Three Principles Library if I wanted to) [36:52]