Here’s the third and final part of my interview with Dr Giles P Croft on the fascinating and sometimes knotty topic of relationships.

Enjoy:

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Tom: What’s the number one mistake people make when it comes to having loving and fulfilling relationships?

Giles: Oh blimey, I don’t know! Thinking there’s a particular way, or a gold standard or something? As if there was a book on a shelf somewhere that says, “This is what we call a GOOD relationship and this is a BAD one.” Our minds are really good at categorising, labelling and comparing, so we see what looks like a “perfect” relationship from the outside in others and start striving for that. When really, there’s no such thing.

The only mistake you can make is to believe it’s possible to not make mistakes all the time! (Ooh, I think I may have inadvertently created a Zen Kōan there 😂)

Tom: What’s one piece of mainstream relationship advice that drives you nuts?

Giles: I can’t think of anything – I’m not much of a follower of advice. (Again, I refer you to Mrs Croft 😆) I’m more likely to spot the wisdom inherent in common aphorisms. Or be really annoying and point out that advice that could be completely brilliant one moment would be utterly disastrous the next, because we might be in a very different frame of mind, seeing a situation through fresh eyes.

I don’t know – what is mainstream relationship advice, these days?!

Tom: “Communication” often takes the flak when relationships aren’t working. Is communication really the problem?

Giles: I’m glad you put “communication” in quote marks there, because it encouraged me to scurry off and look up the etymology of the word (a favourite pastime of mine – maybe a hangover from doing Latin at school!) Quite simply, it means “something that is general or universal; shared by all” and I could definitely see how a lack of that might get us into difficulty, yes.

It comes back to the basic premise that fundamentally, we’re all made of the same stuff — life energy, mostly empty space when you look closely enough; “stardust” if you’re feeling poetic — and that’s what we have in common. Unity, oneness, wholeness – we’ve all felt it in our best moments, and it’s who and what we really are.

But it gets obscured by the left brain’s chatter, and division, and insecurity, and labelling, and analysis, and comparison and judgement and these aspects can become so loud that yes, they can get in the way of a relationship “working.”

I said in one of my Daily Reminders recently that the only relationship you ever actually get to experience is the one that you have with thought. Because you don’t get to experience other people, you only ever get to experience what you think. That has huge implications for communication!

Tom: If you could leave readers with one tip or takeaway for creating calmer, deeper and more fulfilling relationships, what would it be?

Giles: I think it would be to raise your listening game. There’s a real art to being present with another, but we’re scared of doing it, because we feel all at sea if we’re not clinging to our own thinking.

If we’re honest, when we’re “listening” to someone else, a lot of the time we’re weighing up what they’re saying against what we know, listening in order to agree or disagree; being reminded of a similar thing that happened to us, that’s too good not to share; holding on to a good idea we have about how to respond; making judgements about how they are, or how we are, while they’re talking; guessing what they’re going to say next and skipping to the end to save time; or just blatantly being lost in thought and not listening at all… 

There are so many ways for our attention to get sidelined by our own minds, it’s amazing we hear anything at all!

You want a better relationship? Learn how to listen!

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If this three part interview stirred up some fresh ideas when it comes to the sometimes tricky, messy and fascinating topic of relationships, Dr Giles’s Relationship Masterclass goes much further down the same rabbit hole.

If you’re interested, you can grab the Masterclass here until 8pm UK Time on 6th February. 

That's about 18 hours from now.

Better hop to it...

To fulfilment, 

Tom 

p.s. here's what's included in the bundle:

• Giles’s Video Relationship Masterclass (usually £149)
• An annual subscription to Giles’s Daily Reminders (usually £90)
• The Mission: Unflappable bonus I recorded with Giles (I’ll be selling this for £49 once this promo is over)
• Giles’s new Relationships Self-Study Course (worth £97)